Can't help it
by Rukoh
Summary: Neoshippy oneshot, Biff's POV. How can you simply be friends with someone when, every time you look at them, you're thinking about how much more you want?


_I know all about your reputation,  
And now it's bound to be a heartbreak situation._

__

But I can't help it if I'm helpless,  
Every time that I'm where you are.

_You walk in and my strength walks out the door,  
Say my name and I can't fight it any more._

Why do I love you? I shouldn't love you. I frequently ask myself why the hell I'm so fixated with this girl, the girl who, most of the time, treats me like a complete imbecile. If I have to constantly question why I have such strong feelings for you, then something's up. But the thing is, I don't think I can put into words why I love you. It's just a feeling that's...there. I can't help it.

You, Cassidy, are a lot easier to hate than to love. C'mon, admit it. You're no angel. You're bossy, manipulative, snide and god damn full of yourself, which I assume is the reason a lot of the other Rocket girls hate you. That, and they're probably jealous of you, because let's face it, what girl _wouldn't_ be jealous of you?

The first time I laid eyes on you, bam, there was an immediate attraction. You're drop-dead gorgeous. Not gonna lie. But I'll be honest, despite those striking eyes, that beautiful golden hair and those nice, uh, assets, I couldn't stand you when we first met at training academy. You were a bitch. Still are, but hey, a guy gets used to these things. It was like the moment you set eyes on me, you'd already decided you were gonna give me one hell of a rough time. You gave me that sneery 'I'm better than you' look, even though we hadn't said two words to each other yet. Those first few weeks getting to know you was torture, and believe me I'm _not_ exaggerating.

For starters you wouldn't lay off the snide comments about my voice. In fact, for a while I was kinda scared to even speak to you because I was afraid of what embarrassing insult you'd come up with next. You gave me a ridiculous complex about how I sound. It was goodbye to self esteem, and hello to Cassidy's endless insults about me sounding uncannily like a dying frog.

What made it even worse was when you went and said something in front of other people. Way to make me feel insecure. And then there was the fact that I could barely keep up with you in training. Not that I was too unfit or anything, but you're just... _really_ fast. Not to mention really competitive. I mean, you made it more like you and _I_ were rivals, let alone you and Jessie. I still remember that time on the obstacle course where you intentionally tripped me and then yelled at me for 'being such a slow poke'.

But I guess, the more I got to know you, the more I warmed to you. It took a while, but after perhaps a year or so, I kinda considered you my friend, and I like to think that you considered me a friend too. Eventually, the insults stopped...well, actually, no. They never really stopped completely, you _still_ tease me about my voice to this very day, but I can laugh it off now and the insults did subside a decent amount. I sorta learned over time that, sometimes, when you say something insulting or snappy you're just putting on a front. You don't mean it.

I don't exactly know when I went from considering you a cold-hearted little bitch, to considering you my friend, to falling head over heels in love with you...as cheesy as that sounds. But somewhere in between all these pathetic little squabbles, fooling around when we're on a break from work, and having to put up with each other 24/7...it just, happened. Simple as that. And now, I honestly don't think I could love you more than I already do. Actually...it kinda scares me, how strong my feelings are. It's like, I'm under a spell, and I'd do absolutely anything to protect you- even though you like to say you don't need me. If anyone ever hurt you, Cass, I'd kill 'em with my bare hands.

I think deep down, you know how much I love you. I mean, I'm not exactly a pro at being subtle, am I? So, you know I adore you, therefore you know you have me wrapped around your little finger. You could make me do anything, and you know it. Heck, I'd probably walk around HQ in nothing but my boxers if you really wanted me to.

I'm pretty sure you know by now, that you have the ability to cut me into tiny pieces. And, babe, you sure do put that ability into good use, don't'cha? If anyone else had the nerve to insult me the way you do, I'd lose my temper and lets put it this way, someone would be filing and assault lawsuit against me. But you, _you_ can say whatever the hell you like to me and get away with it. Call me a croaky-voiced dork all you want- I can never stay too mad at you, and I'll sure as hell never hurt you. Man, you turn me into such a pushover.

But I gotta admit, some of the things you say do get to me. They get to me a _lot_. I know I shouldn't be so sensitive, it's pathetic. I mean, I'm a grown man and I get all upset over these little remarks that you probably- uh, _hopefully_, don't even mean. But what can I say? You're very gifted with putting people down. I could care less about what everyone else thinks of me. Screw 'em, they're probably all dead-beats anyway...whereas _your_ opinion of me is the most important thing in the world. It's sad but...I just wanna impress you.

So, there's a heck of a lot of unpleasant things about you, Cass. You're a bitch, you're a spoiled little brat, and god, you're way too conceited for your own good. But you're not all bad, 'cause if you were, I wouldn't be so ridiculously in love with you. I guess most people would wonder what the hell I see in a girl like you, aside from the obvious barbie-doll looks. But you don't let 'most people' see the good things. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I kinda get the impression that you _enjoy_ everyone thinking you're a conniving, cold-hearted bitch...don't you? You probably want me to think the same. Heh, well. Tough break, sweetheart, I know you're not like that. Deep down, you're just like a naïve little kid. Don't get me wrong, you do a good job with covering it up, but you can't hide it from me. Not the guy who's known you for so many years, the guy who's seen you at your worst and your best, the guy who knows you much better than anyone else does.

I remember the first time we got carted off to jail after failing our breeding center scam. You seemed really upset. You didn't sulk or get mad or tell me the failing was all my fault. You blamed yourself, and it really got ya down. When we were locked up in that cold, dark jail cell, you came to me and told me to just hold you, and I did. You were crying. I held you in my arms and assured you we'd be okay, I even went so far as to stroke your hair...just gently. You have no idea how hard I had to try to stop myself from giving into temptation and just kissing you. I liked that you came to me for comfort. And I really hope you know that if you ever have a problem, I'll be there for you.

I _know_ that you only act the way you do because some nasty stuff went on in your past. I know deep down, you're not a completely bad person.

I keep mentioning it, but you really are gorgeous too. There's no doubting that. You've got those amazing violet eyes, I've never seen anything like 'em. All you need to do is look at me with them and I fall for you all over again. You've got perfect hair, perfect skin, an amazing figure. Everything. And sometimes, when you're doing your hair or make-up in the morning, I just wanna tell you out loud how beautiful I think you are. But I don't, 'cause I'd sound like a real creeper and you'd laugh at me.

So...Cassidy. In a nutshell you're not always the _easiest_ person to be around, but despite that, I love you to pieces. I'd die for you. Over all these years, you've become a lot more to me than just my partner in crime. You're my world, and I promise you, no matter what, I'm always going to be here for you. Whether you like it or not, you're always gonna have 'ol froggo tagging along with ya. I want to protect you and look after you, make sure that you're happy. I want to be the only hand you'd ever need to hold. I want to tell you everything's gonna be okay when you feel like it's all falling apart. I want to, and will, make your that nobody ever hurts you- hey, just think of me as your personal bodyguard. I want so much more than all of that though. I want to kiss you and tell you I love you and marry you and...all these things that can never, ever happen. But if you ever need someone to talk to, or even a hug, I'm always right here. But you're pretty independent, so I won't get my hopes up. In fact, I don't think you really need me at all. Not half as much as I need you.

I don't exactly know how you feel about me. You're a real tricky one, Cass. Sometimes you act like you hate my guts, you get all cold and irritable and you say things that really hurt. They go deeper than you think. But on the other hand, there's also those rare occasions when I kinda think, "Y'know, just maybe, that girl might love me back a little bit.". And that's enough for me. I mean, I'm ninety-nine percent certain you just see me as a friend, if not just your work partner. But it's that one percent of me that just keeps hoping that, some day, you and I could find our place and maybe be something more than what we are right now. I mean, how can you simply be friends with someone when, every time you look at them, you're thinking about how much more you really want?

It's so damn hard to fight my feelings. I hate it. I don't wanna tell you how much I care, just in case it ruins the friendship we already have, it could destroy that one tiny fraction of closeness we share. The thing that's so important to me. I really, really don't want that. But then, I just want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and love you and hold you and be the only thing you'd ever need.

Feelings aren't supposed to be logical, though. I guess.

Anyway, there you have it. I love ya. You'll always be my Cass. You can carry on pushing me away all you like, babe, but I'll always pull you right back. I think you kinda want me to. You're completely oblivious to the fact that you made me realize life is worth living. I've been through some rough times in my life, things I don't like to talk about. It's strange how, the moment I met you, things started looking up. So I live for you.

Some day, I'm gonna quit being such a big coward and tell you what you really are to me. I just hope with all my heart that 'one day' won't be a day too late.


End file.
